Light in my Shadow

Stop Self-Sabotage and Free Yourself

At first it’s pretty damn hard to stop self-sabotage, because we don’t even know we’re doing it. It’s a tricky bugger because the programs that create it, are hidden in the subconscious mind.

When you’ve got dysfunctional programs running, one of the outward results of this, is you self-sabotage.
You’re not even aware that the program is running. You just think you’ve got bad luck, or that you got the short straw in life, or you think crap things ALWAYS happen to you – when the truth is, you’re creating it.

You’re not creating it consciously, with awareness – but you’re doing it unconsciously – without any awareness whatsoever. And you can’t change something that you’re not even aware of.

We can only STOP self-sabotage, when we become aware of what’s causing it. But trust me, if I could do it, anyone can.

There are powerful tools you can use to help you delete these super-crappy, life-wrecking programs.

I was the queen of self-sabotage. And it sucked BAD.

I self-sabotaged my relationships in love – how could I believe that someone could love me if I couldn’t love myself?

My lack of self-love manifested outwardly in my relationships as jealousy, insecurity and I was so crap at communication with my partner because I got triggered ALL THE TIME – I couldn’t chose my actions – I reacted and had Chernobyl-grade meltdowns.

I’d take things personally because so many things touched my old unhealed trauma.

It went far beyond screwing up my relationships.

I’d self-sabotage my health. I would rip bongs all day, puff on ciggies and smoke ice *shudder* even when I had bronchitis. I had a core belief that I didn’t deserved good things, so I’d unconsciously punish myself.
Your level of self-care is directly related to your level of self-love.

Your level of self-care hovers around zero when you’re programmed that you’re not worth it.
I also wear several scars on my body that I wouldnt have if it wasn’t for my drug addiction and alcoholism.

These days I choose to view my scars as sacred marks that remind me of my transformation. They bring up deep compassion for the wounded version of me that created them.

I also self-sabotaged my financial situation because of my addictions.

I couldn’t pay my bills. Every every month I risked losing the roof over my head because I was always teetering on the brink of eviction.

I brought this on myself, but even worse, I shared my home with my friends and I brought this on them (though most the time they didn’t know it). This is the shit I created. But I didn’t know I was creating it. I simply thought bad things ‘just happened’ ALL THE TIME.
To be honest I couldn’t remember a time when I didn’t self-sabotage. It wasn’t even abnormal to me. It was just my life.

I self-sabotaged my happiness. A few years ago I had my DREAM job – two beautiful big community gardens that I created from scratch. I dropped a big fat A-bomb on my dream and burnt it to smithereens because of my addiction and dysfunction.

I self-sabotaged everything because of the core belief – the sneaky program – operating in my subconscious mind that said I did not deserve it. That I was not worthy of happiness.
The same old damaging program I’d carried around since I was a little girl.
stop self sabotage

Self-sabotage often comes from the root program of lack of self-love.

Underneath this main, shitty heading of lack of self-love, comes subheadings which many of us suffer from: abandonment and rejection issues, lack mentality – there’s not enough for me, low self-worth, I am ‘not enough’ or I don’t deserve it.
People like us can’t have nice things – even though we want them desperately. What we lack inside, we look for outside of us.

We crave love and happiness – we’re starving for it – it’s ALL WE WANT to fill the void. But we can’t have stability, happiness or loving healthy relationships for any long periods of time.

We don’t often have long-term health with our body. We can’t have it because we don’t allow ourselves to.
When we don’t believe we deserve it, our beliefs will block all the best intentions and outward action. Your subconscious beliefs, run your show.

You can't create good things on a LASTING basis, until the subconscious program is changed.

Honestly, when you constantly self-sabotage, it is one of the most horrible programs that exists.
It sucks because you get to taste the happiness. You get a sniff of the good things in life, and then POW you wreck it all yourself. Not deliberately, not intentionally – but subconsciously you set into motion events that are guaranteed to manifest in LOSS of these good things.
People will keep leaving because you push them away with your dysfunction. You never have any money. You always have drunken injuries. You’re always in trouble with the law. You get evicted.

Your mental health is SHIT – and it sucks, because at some point, you become aware that YOU caused it. You created it. And you have no awareness WHY or how to stop this ingrained pattern behaviour.

Now that’s a version of hell right there.

How mindful drawing helped me to stop self-sabotage.

After my rock bottom, not long after I began mindful drawing, I began to gradually connect with the good things that I talk about in my benefits section. I began to grow self-love – which is what naturally happens when you put the brakes on your thoughts and programs that block it – now TRUTH can get in.

Slowly I began to clear out the toxic baggage I’d been carrying around for years. And when these big monsters moved, I began to ever-so-gradually stop hurting myself by putting the brakes on my self-sabotage.
I finally stopped setting up the chain of events that would bite me hard later. Because I’d removed the root cause, it became doable for the first time in my life.
This was a long process and I had around 100 relapses (seriously) – but I got there.

When I stopped running the program of self-sabotage, I was able to start creating good things in my life. And this time, I kept them.

I developed this increasingly roomy, powerful pause between stimulus and response - I found I was able to consciously choose my thoughts and responses - instead of react. It started as a tiny space. But with practice it grew.

When you tap into this massive game changer, you see that your conscious choices are leading to different outcomes.
You begin to see that you’re creating your reality.

Loving yourself more means hurting yourself less.

If you keep consistently putting in the work, one day soon you’ll look at yourself and realise you’re now clear of the underlying programs that create self-sabotage.

You see you’re no longer a puppet unconsciously carrying out the program to manifest shit into your reality.

The program’s gone – it’s been deleted – because YOU deleted it. You cut the puppet strings and you become your own master. And finally you become free.
“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will control your life and you will call it fate.”
~ Carl G Jung
stop self sabotage